I wish I could teleport
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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