wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
