I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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