my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
