You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
