I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize
