you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
