You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
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her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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