There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
