im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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