my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
