i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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