put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar