We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.