I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
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I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
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Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW