so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.