I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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