Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i want to swaddle you in tequila
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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