I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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