So drunk its hurt
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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