I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
