A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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