It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
