I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
