When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
