"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
