Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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