i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
