PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
