You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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