I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
