A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Holy sore nipples Batman
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
