obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
