i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
