he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
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then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
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Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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