I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize