I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
