you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
