this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
