you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
