Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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