I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
