She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
