I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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