btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
