you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
