we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
