i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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