I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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