My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
