Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
