No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
