dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
