Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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