i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
