You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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