K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
please come you make the beer taste better
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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