My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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