Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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